Per Neter !

From my earliest memories, I envisioned a life of extraordinary adventures: soaring to unseen realms, becoming a hero for those in distress, and a wise sage who masterfully and joyfully navigates life's challenges. There's even a vivid recollection of a journey to a faraway land in a cardboard spaceship, a memory so real I still question if it was imagination or an actual childhood escapade.

​

However, the reality of my upbringing in 1990s Cameroon steered me towards a different path. Taught to seek validation externally, I adopted the 'dream' of becoming a doctor – a common aspiration for children seeking parental approval and a secure future in a nation grappling with limited opportunities. I excelled academically, a quiet and well-behaved child, praised for my composure. These accolades, especially my mother's approval, became my driving force, subtly eclipsing my true desires and shaping a self that was not entirely my own.

The pervasive climate of fear, scarcity, and the spiritual beliefs of our culture – where unseen mystical entities were kept at bay by elders for a price – further fueled the idea of being a 'savior' for a 'sick society.' Yet, unknowingly, I was the one in need of healing. In that state, my well-intentioned efforts could only perpetuate the very mindset I sought to alleviate.

​

But my inner self, always attuned to life's deeper rhythms, orchestrated a pivotal shift. In my late teens, exhausted by studies I secretly disliked, overwhelmed by failing grades, and the looming pressure of final exams, I teetered on the brink of feeling like an exposed fraud. Unconsciously, I longed for an escape from these fear-based beliefs I didn't yet understand. A sharp argument with my sister one night, perhaps a release of suppressed frustration, became the catalyst. It triggered a swift, disorienting panic attack, leaving me fearing for my life, my heart, my sanity.

​

This event, though terrifying, liberated me from those dreaded exams. Yet, it birthed a decade-long saga of baffling chronic symptoms: pervasive depression, digestive troubles, intense fatigue, constant anxiety, blurred vision, heart palpitations, muscle pain, and an ever-present brain fog.

​

This all unfolded as we prepared to immigrate to Canada, compounding an already immense stress. My symptoms intensified with every attempt to 'get back to normal,' driven by a deep-seated sense of unworthiness. Antidepressants, supplements, and relentless exercise were all part of a misguided quest to suppress the internal conflict rather than confront it. Of course, it didn't work. Desperation grew, even as we finally landed in Canada, my father absent for his own reasons.

​

The integration period in Canada brought its own challenges. My mother’s frustrations often became my own, subconsciously reinforcing my feelings of inadequacy. I cursed my crippling 'weakness,' unaware that my body was lovingly signaling a profound need to be myself. This led to a spiral of self-depreciation, more symptoms, and suicidal ideations.

​

A flicker of hope, however, persisted amidst the despair. I pursued medical explanations, even while a persistent whisper of occult rituals lingered from rumors and recurring dreams. Thousands of dollars and mounting credit card debt later, doctors, frustrated, dismissed it as 'all in my head,' seeing only laziness where I felt immense suffering.

​

Driven by fear, I took on jobs and attempted school, each effort a painstaking battle against fatigue, brain fog, and dizziness, all while feigning normalcy. Our precarious economic situation as new immigrants, with me as the eldest and my father absent, pressed heavily. My work and school stints were invariably short-lived, each departure leaving a bitter taste, reinforcing the very feelings of powerlessness and inadequacy I desperately tried to overcome.

​

At one point, my mother, driven by her own anxieties, sponsored a trip to Cameroon for traditional healing, still clinging to the idea of external malevolence. It, too, proved fruitless. But my inner self, witnessing my deepening despair yet my persistent refusal to look inward, orchestrated yet another profound event.

One day, returning from a gig on my bicycle, I was violently struck by a car at an intersection. Oddly, premonitory signs had preceded this accident. Though miraculously unscathed, this incident finally ignited an unyielding desire to seek answers from within.

​

This began a lifelong quest for meaning and resolution. I devoured books on trauma, PTSD, metaphysics, spirituality, psychology, gnosis, esotericism, New Age philosophies, and religion (my Christian upbringing, with its emphasis on guilt and inadequacy, having undoubtedly contributed to my symptoms). Gradually, I began to connect my chronic fatigue and its shifting manifestations to my core beliefs about myself and reality.

With every healing modality, both conventional and alternative, I uncovered more truths about my authentic self and the fundamental structure of existence. What once seemed an insurmountable problem – my ailment and its symptoms – ceased to be an obstacle. Instead, it transformed into a potent catalyst for my awakening and individual unfolding. Without it, and the journey it initiated, I would not be the person I am today – someone who deeply understands and empathizes with others who have walked a similar path, and who, from my unique vantage point, can truly embody the meaning of unconditional self-love and acceptance."

​

Thank you for reading this brief summary of my ever unfolding story, fellow reflection of All That Is

​

My Unconditional love to you

​

Yvan Benjamin

​

​